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scared
Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2006 @ 11:40 pm
My dad isn't doing well. Before I went to dog sit for my boss, he was having some shooting pains, which he attributed to some medication he is taking to get the infection out of his chest. He gets this every winter, and that isn't all unusual. But the pains...not good. When I came home from work this evening, he was talking to me in the kitchen. He didn't look well. The left side of his face was drooping, like he'd had a mini stroke. And he was telling me that he'd had that pain again and he'd stopped taking the medication. Of course he hasn't called the doctor, saying if he got the pain again tonight or tomorrow, he'd call the doc tomorrow. I reminded him that tomorrow is Saturday and he'd most likely not be able to reach his doctor. Told him that wasn't something he should mess around with anyway. He was having those pains before his last two strokes years ago.
And then he tells me that he has made all the arrangements and paid for his funeral. And he shows me the card he has in his wallet of the number we are to call if something happens to him. And he told me to tell my brother to pick up his ashes. And he told me to take care of my mother.
I stood there in the kitchen, listening to what he was saying. Just numb. In a way, I'm glad that he's taken care of all that. That will be one thing we won't have to worry about. But it tells me that he is scared that this is it. And that scares me.
I know that the end is near for him. He's nearly 80, and his health hasn't been all that great for awhile. But it makes me mad that he doesn't do more to help himself. When he first started to get this infection, he refused to call the doctor. He waited until it was really bad before he called. And when he started having these shooting pains a few days ago, he should have called the doctor...gone to the hospital...something. But he didn't.
He told me this evening that he wasn't giving up. But I feel like he already has.
I'm supposed to go bowling tonight with ARtboy and his co-workers. But Artboy hasn't called to let me know what the plan is...and I really don't feel like putting on a smiling face and pretending all is fine.
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