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duck Artboy bought a new car on Thursday. He and his brother drove down to Tucson to get it, and his brother drove his old car home. Artboy was extremely excited--I think this is his first newish car. It's a 2002 Subaru Impreza, and so pretty. He's wanted a Subaru Outback for as long as I've known him..probably longer...and his old car was old and involved in an accident and still a little smooshed. He's so happy to be driving a nice car again. It rides so smoothly and is so quiet! You can't even hear the engine when it's on. The NR called in again on Friday. My boss was going to talk to her on Friday about her being late and her not showing up until lunch time last week, but that will have to be post-poned. I wonder what Dr Ass had to say--my boss didn't share that with me. Friday was a long, long day, and one in which I was super stressed. The billing was a nightmare last week, mostly because people were careless and not entering in information correctly...or not at all. Lots of calls, which made figuring out what the problems were very difficult. I just barely got the bills out in the mail by the time I left. It's definitely times like these when I wish we were still operating the old way. If everyone does what they are supposed to, all is fine. But when they don't, it makes my job much more difficult. I came home from work and just crashed, sleeping until 7pm. Got up, went to the bathroom, and then went back to my room, thinking my mom was going to be home any minute and we'd eat dinner. Next thing I knew, I was waking up again and it was 9pm and my mom still was not home. Nothing that was in the house sounded good, so I went to Dairy Queen and grabbed a burger. Artboy had to work on Friday, and we'd thought about getting together after he got off work, but he didn't get off until 12:30, and I had to get up early Saturday morning for a stamping class, so I just stayed home. Their housekeeper relief was 2 hours late, and they were unable to get ahold of her, so he had to stay until someone showed up. I guess on nights, there are usually only two people in the hotel--the front desk clerk and someone from housekeeping. I would not be happy at that job--I'm not one who is willing to stay past my scheduled shift all the time--once in awhile is okay--but lately, it has been almost every night, and I just wouldn't stand for it. Guess that makes me a bad worker. Got up Saturday morning, still very sleepy, but got ready and Mom and I went to class. We had a good time, as usual, and then stopped by my new apartment complex to sign some more paperwork. We've finally got an apartment number--had to pick which of the two upstairs places that were available we wanted by Friday. Neither was ideal, but we took the place furthest away from the railroad. The one closer to the railroad had a pretty green courtyard view, but in the end, we decided the railroad was just too close. We move in on May 6th. We'll find out on Wed or Thurs if we've been approved--I would think that there won't be any problem there. From there, Mom and I went to Fashion Square to pick up a gift for my SIL's sister who is getting married this Friday. I refuse to get a gift--we weren't invited to the wedding, after all. But whatever makes her happy. She picked out some bowls for their dinnerware, and then we shopped for the rest of the day. I can't believe we were shopping for 8 hours--especially since I hadn't received that much sleep the night before. But we did. I bought two pairs of sunglasses for $20. Wish I could have found some clothing. I could really use some pants. *sigh* My dad had been waiting to eat--he'd told us when we left that morning to pick him up some BBQ at the BBQ place, which we'd completely forgotten about (and we were at the wrong mall for that anyway), so on our way back (after driving thru the apt complex at 9pm to see how the sound was) I called him to see if he wanted to go to dinner with us. It took some arm twisting, but we picked him up and went to Dennys. After dinner, I received a call from Artboy to let me know that he actually got off work early and wondered if I could meet him at his place. So I got to spend about an hour with him before we both fell asleep, which was nice. The next morning, his good friend gave him a call. It'd been awhile since they'd spoken on the phone, and he found out that he is going to be a daddy. I'm trying to think...I think that was the last of our friends to have a kid. We're the only ones left. He had to be at work at 10am, so I left his place and got my car washed. The last rain we had only spotted the car with mud, so it was looking horrible. After that, I went home. Mom and I ran an errand, and then she had to go to work. I took a 3 hour nap, went to Michael's to buy a set of scissors with my 50% off coupon, and then stopped at my PO Box to pick up my mail. I found a letter from Ryan, and at first, I was relieved to hear from him. I haven't heard a peep from him since September or October--I forget at this point. He didn't reply to my birthday card/letter, or my christmas card. And after I didn't hear anything from him when I told him Artboy and I were moving in together, I decided he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, so I wrote him a letter of goodbye. I gave him my new address in case he ever changed his mind, and told him that I'd always care about him, but that I got the hint and I wouldn't bother him anymore. It occurred to me that if something had happened to him, his family may not inform me. That wasn't a good thing to worry about. So, he sends me a letter, and as soon as I get to the car, I tear it open, anxious to read. I quickly discover that this isn't something I want to read sitting in front of a package store, so I set it aside, and drive home. He is not doing well at all. He's so negative, talking like he is giving up, that this life isn't for him. That the roads that are available to him aren't good, that there isn't anything here for him. It was awful. There was a brief paragraph talking about not giving up, but the other 1.75 pages are just all negative stuff. He talks about how he didn't want to tell me this, but he was getting better in 2003, and at first I couldn't figure out what the significance of that was...but that was when I broke things off with him. I don't know if he's blaming me for the wheels falling off again, or what. But the entire thing just made me angry and sad. I grabbed my stationery and a pen, and went outside to reply, but realized I wasn't in the right frame of mind to reply. So I listened to my ipod, reread the letter, and just cried. After about 45 minutes of that, I went back inside and wrote in my journal. I could figure out why I was angry, but I recognized that I was also feeling guilty, and I wanted to explore why. Logically, I know that I have no reason to feel guilty. This didn't happen because of my decisions. I did not decide to take that handful of pills. I did not decide to move back home before exhausting all my options here. I wasn't even consulted on that decision--he just came to me and said, "I'm moving back with my parents." Since we were engaged, it would have been nice had he spoken to me about it before a decision was made, but it wasn't. It isn't my fault that he is stuck there with no way out. And I had every right to move on with my life. When he told me he was leaving, I gave him back the ring and told him that I would wait for him for awhile as long as he had a plan on how to get back. After 8 months with no steps forward...no plan whatsoever on how to get back, I broke it off for good. And I had every right to do what I needed to to be happy. And goodness knows that I was not happy with him for the last several years prior. But yet, I still feel guilty. And I feel that he blames me...and that his parents blame me. Like maybe I didn't love him enough. That if he had been with someone else, none of this would have happened. But I did the best I could, and I did not make his decisions for him. I'm not sure how to respond to him, but I'll take some time before I do. Maybe then it will become more clear. Artboy called me while I was writing in my journal--he's gotten off work and wondered if I'd come over and bring him dinner. I agreed, and left. It was dark outside, and on my way over, I suddenly found a duck in the middle of the road. I tried to stop, yelling, "No, no, no, no!" but there wasn't enough room, and there was that awful thud. I pondered stopping, but decided not to. I was certain it was dead, and there was no way I would be picking it up. I picked up the phone and called Artboy in tears, letting him know what had happened. He asked if I was okay..if I needed him to come pick me up, and I told him I was fine, just upset, and could we please go get dinner together instead of me picking it up. He said sure, no problem, and cracked a joke and made me chuckle a little before telling me to just keep my mind on driving and to not worry about it. It was the perfect ending to a rotten afternoon. First, I kill a bird. A couple weeks later, a duck. A duck! What in the world was a duck doing there?? *sigh* |