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a loss We lost a patient last week. The OA had been looking for one of their patients for a little over a week. She couldn't contact him..he wasn't answering her calls...and she had an awful feeling about it. He was one of the guys who was always prompt with calls back...very courteous..so it was unlike him to be so out of touch for so long. Every time she'd speak of him, I'd say, "I *KNOW* that name!" He had a very unusual name, so it wasn't the kind that you'd think there could be two people with the same name. But I could never decide how I knew it. Turns out, my boss had seen him in our old office...and then our psychologist had seen him as well. He also worked at one of the hospitals we contract with. But I didn't find this out until last Friday when my boss told me that he'd killed himself. He was in trouble and had a couple court dates coming up. He was already in danger of losing his license because of drug and alcohol use, hense why he was seeing Dr Ass. He was motel hopping, and reportedly, his car with everything in it was stolen..including his cell phone. And I found out today, that he had huge problems with his father--always grew up being told that he wasn't as good as his brother was, who is some famous research doctor. He was "just an ER doc," and never could measure up. It just makes me so very sad for him. The memorial service was today, and my boss went. Another of our counselors wanted to go, but didn't end up making it. When my boss came back, he brought the cards back with him, and it had a lovely poem on it. I copied it to keep and gave a copy to the OA and the counselor who wanted to go. We all talked about him for awhile. The counselor was talking about how she just had a feeling that he wasn't going to make it. That he truly did not want to live, and no matter how many people tried to help him, and he had many, he just didn't want to live. She was surprised that he'd lasted as long as he had...and was nervous about the court dates coming up. She just knew that he wasn't going to make it until then. I fight back and forth in my head about suicide. In some ways, I believe that if you are truly that unhappy or in so much pain whether physically or emotionally, you should be allowed to take your life. But at the same time, it's so, so sad, and frustrating when you can't help someone you care about. I still can't help thinking that my ex was so selfish in his attempt. I harbor bad feelings about that still. I fully realize that I'm being hypocritical here, but I can't help it. I guess it's easy to say that you believe a person should have the right to take their life if they want to...but not so easy when it personally affects you. Everyone said the same thing about this doctor...that he was in a lot of pain and had been his entire life. Quite honestly, I'm not sure he could ever find a way to be happy, and at least he isn't in pain or that downward spiral any longer. |