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waiting Since very early on in our relationship, Artboy has said that he was going to marry me someday. Since way before I was even ready to start thinking about that. Like a couple months after we started dating. He said that he couldn't imagine life without me...that he loved me so much..and that he was going to marry me. So, what's the problem? I guess I just didn't think that someday was so far into the future. Not that we'd get married right away. And I hadn't even worried about it until Artboy and I took a trip to Flagstaff earlier this year and people started telling me that they thought he was going to propose. That started me thinking, and when it didn't happen, I felt a little disappointed, thinking, "Darn, that would have been a great time for it to happen." *sigh* And then there he was, constantly asking me when our anniversary was...when my birthday was. And after his 6th time asking me, a friend of mine wondered if he was going to propose on our anniversary or my birthday. And both days passed without a proposal. I tried not to think much about it. For awhile, I wasn't successful. And then he wanted our parents to meet...to get together for dinner. He was really insistent on it. I kept forgetting to ask my mom would she could get off, and he kept asking me over and over until it was planned. Again, clueless Jen didn't think anything of it. I just thought he wanted our parents to meet and to see our apartment...that it would be fun to cook dinner for them. But last week, my mom asked me if there was a reason that they were meeting his parents. And it suddenly dawned on me what she was asking. And I got flustered and just said that I didn't know..that it was his idea. But this time, instead of wondering if he was going to ask, I just assumed it wasn't going to happen. And just started to freak out. I was watching the finale of My Fair Brady (I know..it's a sickness), and I just kept thinking that it wasn't fair. If those two could get married, (not that I think they will stay together--I'll bet it will be over quickly), why can't I? I was with Ryan for 8.5 years, and while I'm glad we didn't end up getting married, I feel like I wasted a lot of time on someone who just wasn't ready to get married. And frankly, I don't want to do that again. I love this man so much. I really feel that we are so good to each other...for each other...and I want to commit myself to him...and him to me. To some, I suppose, it's just a piece of paper. But I take those vows very seriously. *sigh* Yesterday, I was talking with one of my co-workers who was talking about this guy that she's been dating for 6 months. She's in her 40's...hadn't been able to find a good guy. And suddenly, she's with this wonderful man, and he's wanting to get engaged at the end of the year. And I'm super happy for her. I mean, she's been looking for a long time, and has seen some promising guys, and then things just fall apart because the guy isn't ready to commit. And not just marriage wise. So I'm really happy that she's found this great guy and is so happy. But I'm a tiny bit jealous. Here she met this guy 6 months ago, and he knows what he wants. Artboy and I have been together for almost 2.5 years, and he doesn't. Or doesn't know it enough to want it. Or something. Last night when he got home from work, we were sitting on the coach, watching House, and I pointed to a piece of mail that we'd received that day. It was addressed to who I assume was the previous tenant, who had the same last name as he does. He chuckled and said that was for his wife, and I said, "No wonder you don't want to marry me!" He must have known there was a grain of truth to it, even though I was joking, because his voice got soft and he hugged me and said, "Someday." Jess came to work today, still upset from yesterday. She said her counseling session yesterday had been really tough--things she needed to hear, but things she didn't want to hear. She's come to the conclusion that her boyfriend isn't as in to her as she is into him...which was basically my boss' assessment of their relationship when we spoke about it yesterday. I guess they talked for 3 hours on the phone last night, and things still aren't better. He doesn't know where he wants to go with the relationship. And she told me that after a year and a half, he still hasn't told her he loves her. When she pictures her life down the road, she sees him in it..but does he see her in his? I'm not sure. Could I be with someone who can't tell me he loves me after a year and a half? I don't think so. So many people around me are breaking up. My brother and his wife (who is now home from the hospital), my cousin and her boyfriend of over 5 years, possibly Jess and her boyfriend, and folks on the internet. I don't want to be added to that list. I believe I've had my last communication with JJ. A few days ago, I'd emailed him saying it didn't sit well with me that he expected Donna and I to do all the planning, all the calling...basically all the effort in maintaining a relationship. I wrote Donna and forwarded what he'd written, and it pissed her off. So I wrote him back and said that I'd be happy to maintain a friendship with him, but that he needed to reciprocate. That friendships were two-sided, and I wasn't going to be the only one putting forth all of the effort. That I deserved better than that. He emailed me yesterday all pissed off, saying that my repsonse put things into perspective for him and he wished me luck. The good thing, is that I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I expected it. Maybe I've finally learned that that is how he is going to be, and learned to not be disappointed by him anymore. He claims to need us, but doesn't want to put forth the effort. That's okay. He's not been in my life for a long time. I'm not missing anything. I received two of my books for two of my classes today. My cook book came, and it looks really good. It talks about a "new" way to cook...a healthier way to cook. And from what I can see, the recipes look really good. Jess was looking through it and came across some that she wants to copy. She thinks she's going to buy it as well. It's won two awards so maybe it will be pretty good. The book for my fiancial class for women also arrived. I can't wait to start next week. I hope I haven't gotten in over my head. *edit* I'd just sent this entry when I heard my name on the radio. The guy said, "Good luck, taliana1!" So I call the station and I tell him my name and say I just heard my name on the radio. He asked me for my date of birth and then said, "You're a winner!!" and I'm like, "No way!" I've won a family 4 pack to Disneyland Resort for 2 nights with 4 3 day park hopper passes! How crazy is that?? |