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2x4 This has probably been one of the worst couple days of my life. Wednesday night, Artboy called me from work and said that earlier that day he had felt like shooting himself in the face. He was so upset about work. I don't remember much of the conversation--I was freaking out. And when we hung up, I lost it. All that Ryan stuff came flooding back and I was just stunned. I mean, I know work has been bad, but I would have never ever thought that. I called Laura, since she's a counselor and I figured should could help me. She figured it was just a poor choice of words, especially considering the history, and told me to call him back to see if he was serious. So I did. And he was. I wanted him to talk to someone...he didn't want to..only wanted to talk to me..have me "fix" it. He got angry and then didn't want to come home. I asked him to please come home. He did. And we talked and talked. And he said he'd never do that to me. But all I could think was that I'd heard that before and look where it got me. Wed, I came into work and talked to my boss about what had happened. I just cried and cried and cried. Jess was worried about me. He basically said there wasn't much that I could do except be there for him and try to convince him to see a counselor. Which I'd already done. I had a gyno appt during lunch, so I left for that. I went to an actual gyno..not my family doc, to try to figure out why sex was so painful. I waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half...in these hard wooden chairs. Watched so many people come in after me and go right back...I was getting antsy. Had to pee like you wouldn't believe. And my butt was going numb. Stupid hard wooden chairs. I was finally called back, went through all the history, blah, blah blah. The doc comes in and is examining my breast and she stops and keeps going over this one area. And I knew...she's found something. There's this mass in my right breast. It's large and dense. I just figured it was fat because they always say you'll feel something like a pea if you have a lump. So she is going to have me go in and get a mammogram. I do that on the 6th of July, 7am before we leave for Vegas. Everything else looked fine. "There is no reason for the pain," but there is a specialist that she can refer me to "but that's probably not something you'd be interested in." And I'm like, well, I want to know what is going on. I want to fix this. So she's like, "okay, I'll put in a referral." I started crying when I got in the car. I cried on the way home. I'd told everyone I'd be back to work, but I just couldn't do that. And I wanted to get this mammogram taken care of (I had to call insurance co to find out who I could go to and then make an appt). I text'd Jess while I was in the exam room, waiting for the doc to come back to let me know how the slides looked to let her know what was going on. I wasn't going to tell Artboy. After the night before, I didn't figure he needed more stuff. And since him mom died of cancer, I didn't want to freak him out. But as soon as I walked in the door and saw him, I just started bawling. He was great. We went to eat and then went to the movies. I cried through Evan Almighty. I just don't know how to deal with all of this stuff. |