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a kick in the... It's funny how the universe works. A couple weeks ago, we were all having lunch in the office together, and my boss was talking about how part of the reason why his daughter had moved in with her boyfriend before getting engaged/married was to see if she could handle her boyfriend being gone for so much of the time. He works with a baseball team, and so for much of the year, he's traveling around with the team. I had said I would not be happy with that situation. I know some would love it or be okay with it, but I wouldn't be, and I really think my relationship would suffer. So last night, Artboy comes home and first thing tells me that this place is hiring trainers and that he is really excited about it. He wants to teach art someday and thinks this would be a wonderful way to get some teaching experience. And he's really excited about it--I haven't seen him this excited about something in a long time. And oh--he'd be gone for 6 days out of the week. And I'm trying really hard to be supportive. To try to think of something good to say. To stop thinking, "He wants to leave me." But it sure wasn't working last night. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, and I was trying real hard to keep the tears back. All i could muster was, "I'm sorry, I don't think now is the right time for me to talk about this," and I went into the bathroom where I tried to calm myself down. I tried to go on with the rest of the night, but I just couldn't do it. Went to bed early. And he came in later and asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't want to talk about it right then, but he kept pressing. And I was crying again, so I couldn't say everything was fine. So I told him that I want to be supportive, but that I'm having trouble with it. And that I needed to think about it. Had trouble falling asleep. Turned off the tv and put my iPod on, turning up the music loud to drown out the thoughts. I had dozed off when Artboy came to bed--really early for him--and he ran into the door, which woke me up. Still not in a better space about this. My mind is just whirling. I can't possibly tell him not to do this. But I just don't think this is going to work for me. |