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and it became so clear... We had an employee "retreat" today at the office. My boss took us to lunch and then we met at a meeting room off site for half the day. We listened to a lesson on leadership, made changes to our mission statement, went over our yearly goals, and discussed what we could do to improve and what we did well last year. After listening to the lesson on leadership, my boss asked us what we thought of it. The others discussed how good it was...what they thought about it. But as I listened, it became even more obvious that things have changed there for me. I used to love my job...I had this passion that the tape discussed. I looked forward to going in each day. And now, there is only dread. No passion left. And that makes me sad. It was difficult for me to want to participate in today's meeting. All I kept thinking was, "I don't care--I want to leave." Until the part where we were discussing our mission statement and he put taking care of his employees first. For the most part, that is absolutely true, and has always been true. Whether it was offering counseling to me when our psychologist killed herself or when my ex attempted to...to continuing to pay my coworker's salary, even though she is in the hospital for who knows how long with brain tumors. He really cares. And I don't think there are many employers out there who do. Which makes this situation frustrating. And heartbreaking. A part of me wants to go to him one last time and tell him that I need to have a difficult conversation with him. Tell him that I've lost the passion that I once held for the job. That I'm not positive, but that I believe it's because I'm overwhelmed and have been for 10 months now with no relief in sight. And that I'm now looking for another job. The idea of doing that scares me. Just writing about doing it brings me to tears, I imagine that when I actually sit down to have the conversation with him, that I'll cry. I hate that about myself. There were so more revelation during this meeting, but I'll leave that for another night. |