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whirlwind I've started to write here so many times, but just never could figure out what to say. To say that the past couple weeks have been long would be an understatement. I should be thankful--my dad came home last Friday, though I thought it was too soon. He was still having great difficulty breathing, wasn't doing his breathing excercises, and wasn't eating. It still amazes me that they thought he was well enough to come home, but what to I know? The stress of everything going on (my dad's heart attack, surgery, and all the family dynamics that became apparent)finally got to me, and I went home from work early last Wednesday, sick. And was in bed, literally, until Saturday night. I don't think I've ever slept so much before! It was a sucky time, because I couldn't see for myself how my dad was doing. I hadn't gone to the hospital on Tuesday because I was just so exhausted (probably b/c I was about to get sick!), and when I had last seen him on Monday, he'd had another horrible day. It's been such a roller coaster ride since he went to the hospital. He's had to go to doc appointments every day since Tuesday. They are so draining for him, poor guy. Yesterday's appointment was to drain a liter of fluid from his lungs, and so far that seems to have helped his breathing some. He still wheezes, but not like he was before. I saw him on Monday night after work, and it was just so pitiful. He's so swollen, his pants and shoes don't fit him. I bought him some Croc-like shoes so he'd have something to wear to the doctor's office on Tuesday. But he just sits in that chair and kinda stairs into space. Reminds me of when we'd go visit Artboy's grandma in the nursing home. Those blank stares from all those people. Just kills me. He can't sleep in bed, so he sleeps in his chair. And Mom sleeps on the couch beside him so she can hear him in case he needs to get up in the middle of the night. So she's not sleeping well. And she's so stubborn, she won't accept help or my offer of my air mattress, so at least she's a little more comfortable in her sleep. It was like pulling teeth to get her to let me stop at the store on my way there on Monday to pick up some things for them. Pam called me on Monday and asked how I was doing. When I told her I was stressed out, she asked me why I was stressed. I told her I was still stressed about my dad, and she's like, "Isn't he home from the hospital?" Am I not allowed to still be worried about my dad because he is home from the hospital? I know plenty of people who have been released from the hospital and had something happen to them at home. How many times did Susan have to go back? Or how about the time they minutes away from releasing my grandmother from the hospital...until she had a bowel movement and the doc didn't like what he saw (the one who said that she'd come in there with her tales of woe and that nothing was wrong with her). Am I supposed to just magically let go of all my stress just because he's home? Am I nuts? Artboy thought it was maybe because she'd never had anything like this happen with her parents, but I know that her mom had a long illness and she had to take care of her, so it boggles my mind that she'd think that overnight, I'm supposed to be fine. I've learned alot about my family because of all of this. I think Mom and I both have learned a lot. My sister, Myra, flew out the day of Dad's surgery, and one day her and Mom were talking, while Mary and I were talking, and Myra told her that dad was different with us...that he was more family oriented with us. He was never around when they were growing up, and Mom didn't quite know what to say to that. That makes me sad...but explains soooo much. I think I understand a bit more why there is such resentment between them and my brother and I. And why they resent my mom. After my mom and he got together, he kind of checked out of their lives too. He refused to go to Mary's graduation. Refused to pay a penny for their weddings. He wouldn't go to any of their gatherings. And I'm sure they blamed my mother for that, though she pushed him to go to the graduations/gatherings, and thought that he should help pay for their weddings. I felt so bad for Mary when he finally woke up after surgery and getting the tubes taken out. He yelled at her, "Get away!" Mom and I looked up in shock, neither of us believing that we'd heard him correctly. But he yelled it again, and there was no mistaking it. He is always so mean towards her, and I've never understood. And she needs his approval so desperately...but the more she pushes, the more he pushes away. My heart was so broken for her... We were talking another day, and he'd said something nasty to her again that morning before I'd arrived. She said she just had to learn to develop a thick skin after all of these years...and I told her that I didn't think I could ever do that. She told me that he didn't really mean it...and that he did the best he could, considering how he was raised...and assumed that he is like that with me. I didn't tell her any different. She doesn't need to know that he's happy to have me around...and is like, "Where's Jen?" when I don't come by every week. I'm beginning to wonder if they remind him of his ex-wife, and that's why he is the way he is towards them. Today was the first day that I felt a little more normal. I think some of it has to do with the temperature. It hit 110 twice this week, but suddenly today it's in the 70's and it's rainy. And those days always perk me up. I was so wishing I didn't have to work so I could go outside and enjoy one of the few last cool days of the season. Supposed to snow in Flag, and I'm so wishing we could head up there and enjoy it. I have the next 4 days off, and I'm so looking forward to that. |