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keep on keeping on I'm trying to remain positive. I'm trying to think about the positive things in my life. And every now and then, I'm successful. But it's been a difficult month. And then I'm reminded again about what really matters. I haven't figured out how to let the other stuff go, though. Work has been awful. There have been moments in the 9 years that I've been at this company that I thought were awful. But my absolute worst was two weeks ago. Change is never easy...but especially when everything changes from day to day and the changes aren't communicated. And then we were yelled at because we did things according to what we'd been told earlier. I felt like I was brand new and everyone was pranking me. On the last day that I worked, I almost walked out a couple times. I'd cried several times throughout the day. It didn't help that I was on my period. My boss finally stopped in the office that last evening of my week, and I sat down in the chair across from his desk and told him I'd just had the worst week I've ever had there. I briefly told him about the week we'd all had in the office, and he promised that he'd get help. And talk to Pam. I left feeling better--not because I believed anything would come of the discussion (how many times had I told my boss that things were in dire straights before he hired someone?) but because I'd spoke my mind...was completely honest. Didn't sugar coat it. And did it calmly and unemotionally. I was surprised to come into work the next week to find out that he was interviewing people. We'd been told all along that there wasn't money to hire a full time receptionist. That even though Michelle was going to part time, there was no hope for things to get better. Pam wanted to know what I told him because we've all been saying the same things for months. Last week, my boss came into my office to tell me that things with Susan weren't good. That the cancer had spread and that there wasn't anything they could do for her except manage her pain. I burst into tears as soon as he left my office. I'm so angry that this has happened to her. She is the nicest, kindest, most giving, positive person I've ever met. I know it does no good to ask, "Why her??" but I can't help it. Why not someone else who has done nothing but hurt people? Why this wonderful person? An hour later, I found out that a girl I knew from the internet lost her battle with cancer. Also one of the kindest, most positive and loving people I had the pleasure of knowing, and I learned so much from her. My heart breaks for her family...her husband. Their love was amazing. And as if that wasn't enough tragedy for one day, Artboy called to let me know that he'd received a call from work--the engineer at his work had killed himself...at the hotel. He was a little freaked by it. He was driving the van the night before, so wasn't really at the hotel, but when he left, he stuck his head in the guy's office to say good night. The light was on...door open...but he wasn't in there. He walked out the back door and found the guy's wife waiting. She asked about her husband, and he told her he wasn't in his office...but he went back in to call for him over the radio, but he didn't answer. They decided he would be out soon, and he left. The next morning, he received a phone call from work, telling him what happened and asking if they could give our number to the police, in case they needed to talk to him. He didn't find out what happened until he went to work. The guy locked himself in the pool room...he was one of two ppl who had the key...and hung himself. The guy's boss found him the next morning. I look around me, and it feels like everyone is falling apart. Work is falling apart. Susan, Ali, Artboy's co-worker, Jess' friend. It's overwhelming. I've been keeping busy with projects. Insurance billing, stamping, learning how to solder charms, making flower pens and now reading. I finished "Running With Scissors" in a couple days, and I started this evening and am half way thru "Dry" by the same author. And have been watching a LOT of Olympics. And playing CIty of Heroes with Artboy and his brother. Just trying to keep on keeping on. |