|
navigate inspired by host |
|
why Having a difficult day today. A difficult few days, actually. Artboy had Friday and Saturday off, so I asked if we could go up to Flagstaff for my birthday. He said okay, but didn't at all seem excited. I asked if he was sure, and he said he was. There weren't any hotels available at a discount, so we made reservations at a Sleep Inn that is away from the railroad noise. Because we tend to fight as we are leaving due to misunderstandings about our expectations on when we are to leave, I asked when he wanted to leave. He said he didn't know...what time did I have in mind? I told him I would like to leave at 10am so we could get there early enough in the day to have time to do things. He started to say he couldn't get up that early, and I reminded him that when he wanted to go skiing, he left by 10, so I knew he could do it if he wanted. He agreed. The night before, we played a video game together, and stayed up too late. He asked if we could get up at 11, and I told him I'd settle for 10. But for as clear as I tried to be...he wasn't listening. He thought that was the time we had planned to wake up. Not leave. Nevermind that I had said it several times. At times, we have such a difficult time communicating...and I've been trying so hard to be as clear as possible. But it doesn't matter how clearly I spell something out if he isn't listening. We fought about that before we left. When we finally got on the road, I had stuck a new CD in the CD player that I wanted to share with him. He wasn't at all interested, and was mad that I'd put the CD in without asking. I had no idea he'd be pissed about it--he does it in my car all the time. He let me listen to one song, and then wanted to put in his cd. But he didn't put in a cd. He turned on the radio and flipped from commercial to commercial for the first 30 minutes. Then turned it to talk radio...which he knows I hate. So I turned on my iPod and tuned it all out. We stopped for lunch, and had a nice meal. Switched drivers, so I drove the rest of the way. With my iPod plugged into my ears (yes, I know I'm not supposed to). Was so excited to be in Flag. We checked in...then went to a glass blowing studio, where we purchased our yearly ornament and a drinking glass for myself. Then we went to my favorite store, and I purchased a lithophane lamp that I've loved for years. And a necklace for myself. We stopped and ate lunch, and then decided to walk around downtown--they were having a First Friday Artwalk. Which we did for about 45 minutes, and then he wanted to go back to the hotel. We'd planned on going for a walk the next day at Lockett Meadow, and he said that we needed to go back to the hotel if we were going to do that. I knew exactly what was going to happen if we went back to the room. It was only 6pm, and I certainly didn't want to sit in the hotel room while he was online, or playing his video game. We had a fight on the way back to the room, and I ended up dropping him off and left. I wanted to just leave. The day had a few nice moments, but over all, the day just sucked. I'd tried so hard to put all the crappiness behind me, but it just kept coming. I drove around for awhile, and decided to just go back to the room. Where Artboy was sleeping. When he woke up, I apologized for my part in the arguments. I woke up in a nasty mood. I had dreamed about my sexual assault that night..then woke up to him dreaming and yelling that his life was crappy. And when I woke up to the alarm, I just felt this awful, heavy, nastiness. It was also the anniversary of Ryan's suicide attempt. But that seemed to make everything okay in his mind. He took no responsibility for his actions. We went to dinner and I went to bed. When we woke up the next day, I considered just getting something to eat and then going home. But we went to our favorite breakfast place and then drove to Lockett Meadow. So pretty. Didn't walk very long...we weren't prepared. Came back early. Artboy gave me my gift when we got back home. Starfish earrings and pendant that I had seen and loved...and he remembered. No card though. My birthday was on Sunday and I received a text from Jess and Michelle. Went to dinner at my parent's house. Mom made my favorite and a kalua cake. It was a low key day. Had Monday off for my birthday, so I hung out at my parent's house and played with my nephews. That was nice. MIchelle and Jess took me to lunch today for my birthday. No card, which hurt my feelings. And maybe it shouldn't. They took me for lunch. But we got something special for Michelle and Jess...got a cake ..bought lunch....signed cards, etc. And it just feels like no effort was made for mine. Pam forgot. And the girl who loves cards...loves making cards...got nothing. Am I ungrateful? Maybe so. I can't help but be hurt. My best friend forgot too. Haven't heard a peep from her either. So this is all making me look at myself, wondering, have I turned into a bad person? I go out of my way for others everyday..but especially for their birthday. And this year, mine just sucked. Not as bad as the year Ryan attempted to kill himself, but it still sucked. An after thought. I'm feeling like the girl who was rejected over and over in high school all over again. |